Working on Your Own Stuff is Sexy

By Dr. Marjorie Nightingale

“Will you hold my unhealed trauma for me? I promise I will only care about your

feelings when it is convenient and easy for me. I won’t care if I’m emotionally exhausting you.

When you attempt to communicate honestly with me, I’ll project my insecurities onto you and

I’ll say it’s your fault that I’m easily hurt, angry and resentful.” Do you want in? Nope.

No one wants to deal with a partner’s unhealed trauma - from childhood, past

relationships or both. No one that I’ve ever worked with enjoys walking on eggshells with their

partner when their attempts at genuine communication trigger either a fight or a breakdown.

It is emotionally exhausting to be in relationship with thin-skinned people who expect their

partner to have unlimited patience with their rage or verbal attacks because they have been

hurt in the past. It is hard to engage with people who see/feel/express that they only respond

to being provoked - it’s always someone else’s fault that they act out. It is equally as hard to

work things out with people who want grace, they are not willing to give. When you are not

accountable for your bad behavior, eventually people will dodge your phone calls and ignore

your text messages. Accountability is more than saying, “I’m sorry.” So, if you find yourself in

several short-term relationships, and you can’t seem to figure out why, let me say this with as

much kindness and compassion as I can muster… it’s you! You are the problem.

I know you think that a new relationship with the “right” person will magically make all

your past hurts disappear. Unfortunately, it won’t. I will lovingly tell you that no one is coming

to save you from yourself. That is your work. No one else. And you do have to do the work to

leave it where it belongs - in the past. My heart breaks for people who really think they can

hide an unhealed past – especially one that was toxic and hurtful. You can pretend that a

troubled past doesn’t matter or that it does not impact your present, but it does, and it takes

very little for those closest to you to see it. As much as you try to hide it, it will surface when

one thing to go wrong in your life, that problematic part of you comes out with a vengeance.

The people in your world are usually caught off guard and try to understand why you suddenly

went left and why your reactions are way out of proportion to the actual current experience.

Anyone can have one bad day, but when it becomes a pattern, you might as well be wearing a

poster board that says, “Danger: I got some stuff I need to deal with but I’m pretending like I

don’t.” Folks might stick around for a minute, but trust me, they are looking for the door. If

that door opens even a crack, they are out! Running as fast and as far as they can get in the

opposite direction and never looking back. If this is your experience, I’m sorry you had to go

through that. I know it hurts.

There is good news. You don’t have to stay in that painful space forever. There is a way

out. The sun will shine again, and the birds will sing, but the very first step is acknowledging

that the only person that can do this for you is you. When you are tired of being tired, seek a

qualified mental health professional to help you figure it out. The problem with trying to do

this work alone is that you can keep missing the same blind spots. A blind spot is a blind spot

because you can’t see it. You need someone outside of yourself to help you identify and

understand your blind spots. Self-help is a good start, but it has a limit. Know this, unhealed

people attract unhealed people. We may not be able to change a toxic past, but we don’t have

to keep reliving it.

Healed people are sexy. Healed people are not perfect but they are actively working on

the broken parts of themselves without blaming someone else for their missteps. Healed

people have wrestled their pains to the ground and snatched back the emotional power they

didn’t realize they had given away. Healed people are emotionally flexible. They don’t act out

their frustrations by hurting people, by manipulating people or by punishing people because

they can’t manage their own emotions. They don’t lie. They don’t gaslight. They don’t explode

in anger. They don’t take advantage of the kindness of others to make themselves feel better.

If they slip up and do or say something hurtful, they own it. Immediately. In the moment.

They accept responsibility for the harm caused without deflecting – then they do something

different. They take constructive criticism without going to war. They know how to do their

own work. They seek help when needed and can put life’s inevitable difficulties in perspective.

They give the same grace to others that they want for themselves. They find their equilibrium

and happiness without first burning down the house.

Who wants to be with this person? Most of us! Be this person. Do something sexy and

work on your own stuff. Healed people find each other, then together they create their happily

ever after.